“Good morning Starshine, The earth says ‘hello!'”
So this is a blog. Which means I have to fill it. So let’s start off with a bang!
I have a confession.
I have spent the majority of my life not knowing how to believe in myself. And I didn’t know it until recently. Let’s be real, it sucks.
So what does this look like? This:
Not saying something because what I have to add probably isn’t worth anything anyway
Not asking for anything extra because I don’t want to be a bother
Not pressing my opinions because it seems better to keep the peace than be the only one who thinks differently
Not showing my passion because I don’t believe it has meaning
Pretty much every time someone goes out of their way to do something for me, I either A) feel really awkward and don’t know how to respond or why they did it, or B) feel very appreciated and seen and will probably cry.
Soooo, there’s that.
Dating my husband, Cody, was very eye-opening for me. He is full of dreams! And vigor! And ideas! And I was over here like, ‘hey, let’s binge watch Stargate or go for a walk‘. Now don’t get me wrong! We both enjoy a good binge every once in a while. My point being, he pushed me a lot and challenged my thought paradigm. He still does every day.
I had no concept of building and investing in my dreams. I had no belief! I still find myself with thoughts that are tearing down my dreams, not building them. I still fight this! Just a few minutes ago I found myself thinking about one of my goals/dreams and what penetrated through the most was, ‘I could never do it. This dream and reward is for someone else‘. Sometimes it seems easier to just go with those thoughts than to fight them. Why invest in something that will fail? I don’t believe in myself.
But ya know what? Jesus believes in me. He says I can do it. And what Daddy says, goes.
Eternal One: 8 My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do. 9 My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth. 10 For as rain and snow can’t go back once they’ve fallen, but soak into the ground And nourish the plants that grow, providing seed to the farmer and bread for the hungry, 11 So it is when I declare something. My word will go out and not return to Me empty, But it will do what I wanted; it will accomplish what I determined. 12 For you will go out in joy, be led home in peace. And as you go the land itself will break out in cheers; The mountains and the hills will erupt in song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands. 13 Prickly thorns and nasty briers will give way to luxurious shade trees, sweet and good. And they’ll remind you of the Eternal One and how God can be trusted absolutely and forever. (Isaiah 55)
Point proven. ⇑
So with Cody pushing me, and Holy Spirit growing me, I really am different than I was a year ago, or three years ago. I’m a wreck, an utter mess. But I have found just the smallest amount of belief in myself. And I have been cultivating that belief everyday. I am learning to push myself, to choose the opposite of what my mind is telling me to do. I am pushing through some of the worst fear of pain I’ve expereinced, that if you all truly knew what goes on inside of my head and heart, you’d blatently walk away. I’m choosing vulnerability, because hiding from the world only broke me of my identity. I’ve decided to put myself out there anyway. And if you have a problem with that, I’m choosing to still believe I’m awesome.
I don’t know if you knew this, but belief in yourself is a choice. It sucks. It hurts. But taking the responsibility to believe that you can achieve the things you’re driven towards, and that you have a right to speak up, to be heard and seen, that is a treasure. That is something only you can do. Try as you might to push that choice on others, it’ll never work until you make that decision for yourself. Believe me. I’ve tried.
My voice is special. It was made to be heard. Repeat that to yourself ten times.
I made the choice to believe in myself. I still struggle. But I will believe, if it’s the last thing I do.
This post is brought to you by the Weekly Song!
This week I am featuring Human Side by Ryan Stevenson.
As I have been fighting towards belief and vulnerability, I’ve been faced with some dark, hopeless moments. It’s songs like this that keep me sane and keep the truth running through my head. God understands the human side of me.