This is How I Fight My Battles
Updated: Jan 14, 2021
At the beginning of the year, I talked about one of my goals this year being connection. I had no idea that in order to accomplish that I would have to go through some major breaking and rebuilding.
It has come to my attention that I have lost a lot of ground in the area of intimacy and vulnerability. Things that used to be normal and second nature have become taxing and full of effort. I gave myself over to a lot of fear and bought into some lies about what really makes me valuable.
Now I see myself building masquerades and farces to be valuable. I’m afraid of my fellow humans, because what if they find out that I really don’t have it together? But of course, we’re all human. We have our screw ups, our secrets. So why does it affect me so much?
If you haven’t caught on yet, Jesus is the main influence in my life. I am continually learning that my plans are for Him, even the smallest things, such as meeting someone for coffee, going for a walk, or the way I treat my animals.
In my head, every little part of life is becoming more and more drenched in meaning from Him. As a dear friend says, “Everything is prophetic!” Everything speaks to me of Him or is a lesson for our relationship.
As I stated in my last post, Spirit has been at work in me. I have firm belief and confirmation from those around me, that He is planning some big things in my life. I see seeds being planted, but a lot of those seeds I don’t recognize.
There is so much I don’t know about my ‘calling’ or ‘destiny’. One thing I do know is that I am willing. And because of that He will use me. Still there is a lot of uncertainty about the type of fruit God is cultivating in my life.
The past two weeks I have spent investing a lot of time into my relationships, but more specifically my connection with my Leader. I’ve been asked several times if I’ve gotten bored yet being out of work.
The answer is no. My heart has so much to offer those around me, and this time at home has given me a chance to focus on that with more energy. It is a process, a learning curve.
What does any of this have to do with my insecurities and fear of people?
Something else that has happened in the past weeks, is that I have seen deeper into myself than I have dared looked in years. And I have seen a lot of filth. I have experienced a lot of failure in simple things. I have felt pain, discouragement, cut off, and a lot of doubt. I have seen glimpses of the worst version of myself and felt its hopelessness.
And I’ve asked why.
Why am I like this. Why am I seeing all of this?!?
And He’s shown me He has a good reason.
I could spend my time striving and working against the futility of my flesh. But what good would that do? And what fun would it be? Zilch.
Or I could view my humanity and thank my Father in Heaven that He says I don’t have to live in striving! You see, I need to get over myself. I am a subtly proud people masking my selfishness in false humility and service.
But when I get over myself, I am free to not dwell on accomplishments, success, INCOME, status. When you see that you really can’t do anything, what do you have left but to look to the One who can DO EVERYTHING?
God doesn’t want me to see the nastiness of my fallen nature because I need reminded how bad I am. He’s showing me the crap He saved me out of to reinforce my faith in HIS works, not mine. HIS accomplishments, not mine. HIS blessings, not mine.
If I’m holding onto my own hand as I walk this new path, I’ll pull myself in the wrong direction. And more than likely I will bring my inner circle with me.
It’s His hand that holds my future. So that’s where mine will be.
With my hand in His, I claim vulnerability, connection, peace, joy, satisfaction in my work, productivity, laughter, adventure, and hunger for more! I have the freedom to be real, because not having it all together just means that I’m a better candidate for His grace and rescue.
I don’t have my crap together. And I’m okay with that.
My setbacks will set me up for success. And I’ll win my battles on my knees.
This post is brought to you by the Weekly Song!
This week’s song is Surrounded(Fight My Battles) by Michael W Smith
I’ve been submersing myself in worship music and messages. They are two ways I keep myself focused on truth and reality. This song rings with the truth of how strong worship is. Our God wants to solve our problems and fight our battles for us.